Dreams

Lack of sleep and feeling restless has been one of my issues lately.
Soon ill go to the US and that is atleast something that im looking forward to.
To meet up with lisa and then seeing my old school buddy Ben.

Today i started cleaning out the last box of stuff. Why i havent gone through it untill now i have no idea why. While going through it i find the meyers briggs test results showing that i am:
ENFP/ENTJ. I went through the personal aspects that these resulted personalities have and its scary how well they match to who i am. I also came across all my acceptance letters to universities.
Dear Anton carlsson the university of Edinburgh would like to welcome you to the bachelor program in psychology. Essex, Kent, Webster, Dublin damn i have even been accepted to a university in Boston. WHY oh WHY is the swedish school system so gay that i wont let me get in without going through a hell lot of work before i can study anything?
I know life is short and since i am of the spontanious type that dont think things through, why dont i just go abroad and study? Why dont i follow up one of my million dreams?
Should i do something thats just for me? Not thinking about everyone else and just do something that would make me happy.

Im worried as hell about everything again. I cant get my mind straight. Erik is going to china.
Mattias might go elsewhere to study. Danni is leaving for australia. Lisa might decide to stay in the US.

Why dont i pack my things and just go.
Leave everything and keep those that matter and move forward through life.
Become the things i dream about.
Do all those things i want to do, and just live my life without the regrets i promised myself i would not have.
That i would become old without regretting my life but being ready to die because i have nothing left to do!

I am going to get in touch with my old university advisor back in germany and ask for help and see if i can apply for some universities.

i will do as any ENFP would do! ill keep all doors open

its been awhile

There has been some time now since i wrote my last entry.
Alot has happened since then.
We have had the most awesome time at my summer house during midsummer. The gang me, hochie moma, sugar daddy and leasy. With the addition of Oscar.
Since then ive started dealing with certain things that i havent dared open up to other people.
And it feels great!
Leasy has left for the states but its only 25 days untill i go and meet another one of my friends in texas! :)
Its going to be a blast, allt the places where we have to eat and so on and so forth.
Now im sitting in oscars appartment in sthlm and just enjoying life. We were out with some of his friends yesterday and it was so fun. Life is fun!
Well now we are going to go eat breakfast somewhere
cheers

Habibi - Amr Diab

Summer

hell yeah.. Haft ö råd igår för att vem som ska ta ansvar för vad inför resan.
Med många om och men blev lisa in charge of the bull making and dricka.
Danni blev ansvarig för kirra bil/not so much else. medans jag och leffeman är ansvariga
för sandwidges! foo real!

taggning och peppen är hög, förvirringen också.
Mitt i tummulten av planering så visar det sig att min pappa lyckas slänga hela våran trupp av glada människor in a predicament! Jo, fan det visar sig ju att han tagit båtnyckels jäveln och kommer att ta med sig den upp till umeå.. Så det blir ju att kirra godis åt oscars lillebrorsa så att han kan komma och hämta mig klockan halv ett på natten :)

anywhoser, malin den kända taggaren har redan taggat i sisådär 6 månader. Hört av sig igen bara för att medela att midsommar kommer nog bli fullt ös.

Aja nu ska jag dra från jobbet sno lite mat av min mor och sen jobba övertid. :)
Ciao

the lonely road

Walking home in the rain. Red sunset feeling more and more aware of the of the growing fear.
The fear and anxiety which i can't explain just being there tormenting my mind.
I should be everything but alone right now...

the evening has not been to an advantage, rather just reminding me of the shallow life we live.
people you meet, smile and then you walk on. The smile is growing heavy.. i was not able to keep my act and people started seeing that i was down. Making it a spiral just pushing me further down.
Dissapointed, sad and lonely.
having many friends around just feeling like im having none.
If i went away it would all go away.
Is this just a sign of having the need for recognition?
thoughts that just scares me are coming back.. What if i would just leave, not in the sence of moving but in the sense of faltering to the needs i feel inside. Would it make things better?

Contemplating and staggering on what everything is worth.
I already know im not ready but moving closer and closer to the edge.

That final push might come soon.. And knowing that i cant but the responsibility on anyone else is just making things worse. There is no one who can fix this but me.
I need help..

wont someone just help me.
say the things i need to hear.
I know what words i need to hear, why can't i have someone say them now so that i
can go to bed and fall asleep knowing there is something to look forward to, somthing that
will motivate me.

well enough of this..

been slacking

Whops, just noticed it has passed a few days without me droping a few words whats up.

Anywhoser, days have gone by very fast and its been hard being sure of what i feel and think, since it changes about 123324 times a minute.
On the other side mostly whats been up has been work work work, and some hanging with ma homies. Planing our trip to sthlm which will be awesomeness. AAAAnd we have also begun planing our trip to NYC, San Antonio and other cities in the US and A.

other than that ive begun to feel this urge to change how i live my life!
nothing more to say!
puece out biggas

breaking the habbit

what would i do without my friends?
well with a little cheating by drinking last night, i was able to talk about issues.
Woke up with the best feeling this morning. Im not worried at the moment and i have no anxiety!
so its awesome, wicka wicka scratch even.
anywhoser its time to get my wash on, and by that i mean i need to wash my clothes, cause im on the last pair of everything.
the evening will probbably end with crazy enfrezied shaking of the Wii remotes with some friends, while engulfing all kinds of unhealthy beverages and snacks.

life is good.

see you on the flip flop
shibbidy do da
bye bye

before the storm

breakfast with my close friends on a hill by the water. Half sleeping enjoying the sun, eating everything from coctail tomatoes to chocolate pudding. its a good life.
Relaxing the whole day only realizing.
the calm before a storm
my mind focused on what to come
unsertain of decisions to take and the unknown being the very shadow on my mind.
unsertain of why im feeling this anxiety and feeling of uncertainty.

my friends taking to the glass as a resort to any trouble
i tag along hoping this feeling in my gut to go away
only finding myself draged deeper into the thoughts coursing through my mind.

why do i feel the way i do?
why cant i show the way i feel?
why can i not ask for the help that i need?

howcome i find no solitude.
why is there no calm for me in the everyday life.
Im the the fusion between the hopefull optimist and the no hopefull pessimist.
Realizing that i can't tell no one how i really feel, since i rather take for granted that they think of the situation the way i think they do.

Well i will continue taking to the glass for this evening and see where it leads
all i want is some solid base and something that i can hold onto.

enough breath spent on trying to start talking how i feel.

peace out
and see you on the flip flop

solidiers of jah army - jah atmosphere
southfm - dear claudia

good times

woke up at 2 by the music playing in the living room. Nothing better than getting startled by the screams of COD. Headed outside where i found my rommie and one of his friends enjoying the amazing weather. You can really tell that the climate is messed up..
Anyways from tanning and smoking the needed morning cigarett, we got my busted bike on Leffe's car (roomie) and heading for the bike store only to find it closed for the day.
With more time on our hands we headed to some place where you could swing with a rope out into the water. So first swim of the year can now be checked of the to do list.
We had dinner at leffes old place and where his mom scared me and told me all about scepsis and how fatal it could be. So im kinda regretting getting my branding done.
With the sun still up and knowing that it will not be heading down for another couple of hours we are going to chill enjoy a nice game of kubb and then just embrace whatever the summer night has to offer.
peace out!
Linkin park - Kyur4 TH ich

old - sleepless night

A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

You love the way I look at you
While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through

You like to think you're never wrong

You have to act like you're someone

You want someone to hurt like you

You want to share what you have been through

You love the things I say I'll do
The way I hurt myself again just to get back at you

I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you

Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down
The sacrifice of fighting in a lie

The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way

I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you.

(anberlin, linkin park)

old - facade

There's an art in seclusion.
Production in depression.

Standing tall in apperance.
But failing in desolation.

The facade keeps standing.
While the walls are closing in.
Claustrophobic tenderness is kicking in.

Drowning on the inside since im not letting it out.
This behaviour is unhealthy without a doubt.

Wishing me the best.
While slowly stabbing deeper.
Unsure of what you want.
Kiling me inside.

Just be honest with yourself.
And honestly say.
What it is that you want with me.

Because the mask is growing heavy.
Slowly forgetting whats beneath.

Let me tear down the facade.

old - taken for granted

We all seem to make the same mistake
to overlook all the good that we have
and only when it is too late
realize that it was a mistake.

new fresh, sparkly new
extremly refreshing
for we all know that the unknown is just too exciting

but as time goes by
the sparkly new toy seems to fade..

So dont just let it slipp away
because if you take care
it will stay..

old - pursuit

"Life is but a pursuit for beauty"

We keep on struggling everyday to make our life perfect in every way...
But as one searches, he will soon find
that this search will never end.
Since beauty and end does not seem to mend.

Everything can be better and improved
harmony and peace long ago abandoned
now there is only a gaping hole of unfullfilled perfection..

We seek for perfection everywhere
but it seems nowhere to be found...
Untill we stop
and breath
and gaze upon everything around us...

Our lives are to remain meaningless and full of agony and sorrow
But you just have to hope and wait for that tommarow
then you will forget all that sorrow and realize
that all you been striving to find
is all around you
you just have to stop, look around and realize...

just think about it...

old - change

It's too bad that you have made mistakes.
Too bad that I cannot relate.
When all else fails
And all else fades.
I kept my word through bitter days

It's too late that now.
I've changed my mind.
Too late somehow.
To recognize
When all else fails
And all I find.
Are all my words.

So you lost yourself.
Turn to someone else.
Now you've given up your will that wants to know.
Then you find yourself.
But you're someone else.
In the end you only get what you deserve.

old - chance

The universe began by chance
therefore it is governed by chance
everything we do
everything that happens
is a result of chance ...

So why do some not take the risks ?
are they afraid of the outcome ?
or are they only irrational ?

Risk nothing, regret everything
regret nothing
risk everything

- carpe diem :: momento mori -

Beginning

woke up this morning deciding to start a blogg.
Ive decided to stick with english since its the language that i can express myself in.
Going to start by posting old bloggs that are relevant.

anywho
enjoy